A Princess Bride of Mars Read online

  A Princess Bride of Mars

  Pride and Prejudice on Barsoom

  Jane Austen and E. R. Burrows

  WACKY CLASSICS EDITIONS

  All your favorite classics, complete and unabridged—now mashed up with the best pulp science fiction and fantasy of yesteryear!

  A Princess Bride of Mars by Jane Austen and E. R. Burrows

  A Princess Bride of Mars copyright 2019 by Wacky Classics. All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise—without prior written permission of the publisher.

  Published by Wacky Classics, 2019

  * * *

  For Normal Bean.

  Chapter 1

  It is a truth acknowledged across the universe, that a single warrior in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a fruitful concubine. However little known the feelings or views of such a noble man may be on his first entering a valley, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding clans, that he is considered the rightful property of someone or other of their daughters.

  “My dear Mr. Kajak,” said his mistress to him one day, “have you heard that Jahar Estate is let at last?”

  Mr. Kajak replied that he had not.

  “But it is,” returned she, “for Mrs. Xaxa has just been here, and she told me all about it.”

  Mr. Kajak made no answer.

  “Do you not want to know who has taken it?” cried his concubine impatiently.

  “You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it.”

  This was invitation enough.

  “Why, my dear, you must know, Mrs. Xaxa says that Artol is taken by a young man of large fortune from the north of Helium Ethro; that he came down on Lactha in a ground flier to see the place, and was so much delighted with it, that he agreed with Mr. Tul Axtar immediately; that he is to take possession before the Rites of Issus, and some of his servants are to be in the house by the end of next week.”

  “What is his name?”

  “Tars Tarkas.”

  “Is he conjoined or single?”

  “Oh! Single, my dear, to be sure! A single man of large fortune; four or five thousand tanpi a year. What a fine thing for our girls!”

  “How so? How can it affect them?”

  “My dear Mr. Kajak,” replied his wench, “how can you be so tiresome! You must know that I am thinking of his betrothing one of them.”

  “Is that his design in settling here?”

  “Design! Nonsense, how can you talk so! But it is very likely that he may fall in love with one of them and bid them produce him eggs, and therefore you must visit him as soon as he comes.”

  “I see no occasion for that. You and the girls may go, or you may send them by themselves, which perhaps will be still better, for as you are as handsome as any of them, Mr. Tars Tarkas may like you the best of the party.”

  “My dear, you flatter me. I certainly have had my share of beauty, but I do not pretend to be anything extraordinary now that my lustrous green hue has faded to a wan gray. When a woman has five grown-up daughters, she ought to give over thinking of her own beauty.”

  “In such cases, a woman has not often much beauty to think of.”

  “But, my dear, you must indeed go and see Mr. Tars Tarkas when he comes into the valley.”

  “It is more than I engage for, I assure you.”

  “But consider your daughters. Only think what an establishment it would be for one of them. Kam Han Tor and Mistress Rojas are determined to go, merely on that account, for in general, you know, they visit no newcomers. Indeed you must go, for it will be impossible for us to visit him if you do not.”

  “You are over-scrupulous, surely. I dare say Mr. Tars Tarkas will be very glad to see you; and I will send a few lines by you to assure him of my hearty consent to his betrothing whichever he chooses of the girls; though I must throw in a good word for my little Eliza.”

  “I desire you will do no such thing. Eliza is not a bit better than the others; and I am sure she is not half so handsome as Tavia, nor half so good-humoured as Zanda. But you are always giving her the preference.”

  “They have none of them much to recommend them,” replied he, “they are all silly and ignorant like other girls; but Eliza has something more of quickness than her sisters. And she can handle a sword.”

  “Mr. Kajak, how can you abuse your own children in such a way? You take delight in vexing me. You have no compassion for my poor nerves.”

  “You mistake me, my dear. I have a high respect for your nerves. They are my old friends. I have heard you mention them with consideration these last twenty years at least.”

  “Ah, you do not know what I suffer.”

  “But I hope you will get over it, and live to see many young men of four thousand tanpi a year come into the valley.”

  “It will be no use to us, if twenty such should come, since you will not visit them.”

  “Depend upon it, my dear, that when there are twenty, I will visit them all.”

  Mr. Kajak was so odd a mixture of quick parts, sarcastic humour, reserve, and caprice, that the experience of three hundred-and-twenty years had been insufficient to make his concubine understand his character. Her mind was less difficult to develop. She was a woman of mean understanding, little information, and uncertain temper. When she was discontented, she fancied herself nervous. The business of her life was to get her daughters conjoined; its solace was visiting and news.

  Chapter 2

  Mr. Kajak was among the earliest of those who waited on Mr. Tars Tarkas. He had always intended to visit him, though to the last always assuring his concubine that he should not go; and till the evening after the visit was paid she had no knowledge of it. It was then disclosed in the following manner.

  Observing his second daughter employed in trimming a hat, he suddenly addressed her with, “I hope Mr. Tars Tarkas will like it, Eliza.”

  “We are not in a way to know what Mr. Tars Tarkas likes,” said her mother resentfully, “since we are not to visit.”

  “But you forget, mamma,” said Elizadejah, “that we shall meet him at the assemblies, and that Mrs. Xaxa promised to introduce him.”

  “I do not believe Mrs. Xaxa will do any such thing. She has two nieces of her own. She is a selfish, hypocritical woman, and I have no opinion of her.”

  “No more have I,” said Mr. Kajak, “and I am glad to find that you do not depend on her serving you.”

  Mrs. Kajak deigned not to make any reply, but, unable to contain herself, began scolding one of her daughters.

  “Don’t keep coughing so, Valla Dia, for Heaven’s sake! Have a little compassion on my nerves. You tear them to pieces.”

  “Valla Dia has no discretion in her coughs,” said her father, “she times them ill.”

  “I do not cough for my own amusement,” replied Valla Dia fretfully. “When is your next convocation to be, Eliza?”

  “Tomorrow fortnight.”

  “Aye, so it is,” cried her mother, “and Mrs. Xaxa does not come back till the day before; so it will be impossible for her to introduce him, for she will not know him herself.”

  “Then, my dear, you may have the advantage of your friend, and introduce Mr. Tars Tarkas to her.”

  “Impossible, Mr. Kajak, impossible, when I am not acquainted with him myself; how can you be so teasing?”

  “I honour your circumspection. A fortnight’s acquaintance is certainly very little. One cannot know what a man really is by the end of a fortnight. But if we do not venture somebody else will; and after all, Mrs. Xaxa and her nieces must stand their chance; and, therefore, as
she will think it an act of kindness, if you decline the office, I will take it on myself.”

  The girls stared at their father. Mrs. Kajak said only, “Nonsense, nonsense!”

  “What can be the meaning of that emphatic exclamation?” cried he. “Do you consider the forms of introduction, and the stress that is laid on them, as nonsense? I cannot quite agree with you there. What say you, Vanuma? For you are a young mistress of deep reflection, I know, and read great scrolls and make extracts.”

  Vanuma wished to say something sensible, but knew not how.

  “While Vanuma is adjusting her ideas,” he continued, “let us return to Mr. Tars Tarkas.”

  “I am sick of Mr. Tars Tarkas,” cried his concubine.

  “I am sorry to hear that; but why did not you tell me that before? If I had known as much this morning I certainly would not have called on him. It is very unlucky; but as I have actually paid the visit, we cannot escape the acquaintance now.”

  The astonishment of the ladies was just what he wished; that of Mrs. Kajak perhaps surpassing the rest; though, when the first tumult of joy was over, she began to declare that it was what she had expected all the while.

  “How good it was in you, my dear Mr. Kajak! But I knew I should persuade you at last. I was sure you loved your girls too well to neglect such an acquaintance. Well, how pleased I am! and it is such a good joke, too, that you should have gone this morning and never said a word about it till now.”

  “Now, Valla Dia, you may cough as much as you choose,” said Mr. Kajak; and, as he spoke, he left the room, fatigued with the raptures of his wench.

  “What an excellent father you have, girls!” said she, when the door was shut. “I do not know how you will ever make him amends for his kindness; or me, either, for that matter. At our time of life it is not so pleasant, I can tell you, to be making new acquaintances every day; but for your sakes, we would do anything. Zanda, my love, though you are the youngest, I dare say Mr. Tars Tarkas will dance with you at the next ball.”

  “Oh!” said Zanda stoutly, “I am not afraid; for though I am the youngest, I’m the tallest—and the most fertile.”

  The rest of the evening was spent in conjecturing how soon he would return Mr. Kajak’s visit, and determining when they should ask him to dinner.

  Chapter 3

  Not all that Mrs. Kajak, however, with the assistance of her five daughters, could ask on the subject, was sufficient to draw from her sire any satisfactory description of Mr. Tars Tarkas.

  They attacked him in various ways—with barefaced questions, ingenious suppositions, and distant surmises; but he eluded the skill of them all, and they were at last obliged to accept the second-hand intelligence of their neighbour, Mistress Rojas. Her report was highly favourable. Kam Han Tor had been delighted with him.

  He was quite young, wonderfully handsome, extremely agreeable, and, to crown the whole, he meant to be at the next assembly with a large party. Nothing could be more delightful! To be fond of dancing was a certain step towards falling in love; and very lively hopes of Mr. Tars Tarkas’s heart were entertained.

  “If I can but see one of my daughters happily settled at Artol,” said Mrs. Kajak to her sire, “and all the others equally well conjoined, I shall have nothing to wish for.”

  In a few days Mr. Tars Tarkas returned Mr. Kajak’s visit, and sat about ten minutes with him in his armory. He had entertained hopes of being admitted to a sight of the young ladies, of whose beauty he had heard much; but he saw only the father. The ladies were somewhat more fortunate, for they had the advantage of ascertaining from an upper window that he wore a blue coat, and rode a black hoorse.

  An invitation to dinner was soon afterwards dispatched; and already had Mrs. Kajak planned the courses that were to do credit to her housekeeping, when an answer arrived which deferred it all. Mr. Tars Tarkas was obliged to be in town the following day, and, consequently, unable to accept the honour of their invitation, etc. Mrs. Kajak was quite disconcerted. She could not imagine what business he could have in town so soon after his arrival in Bantoom; and she began to fear that he might be always flying about from one place to another, and never settled at Artol as he ought to be. Mistress Rojas quieted her fears a little by starting the idea of his being gone to Torkwas only to get a large party for the convocation; and a report soon followed that Mr. Tars Tarkas was to bring twelve ladies and seven gentlemen with him to the assembly.

  The girls grieved over such a number of ladies, but were comforted the day before the convocation by hearing, that instead of twelve he brought only six with him from Torkwas—his five sisters and a cousin. And when the party entered the assembly room it consisted of only five altogether—Mr. Tars Tarkas, his two sisters, the sire of the eldest, and another young man.

  Mr. Tars Tarkas was good-looking and gentlemanlike; he had a pleasant countenance, and easy, unaffected manners. His sisters were fine women, with an air of decided fashion. His brother-in-law, Mr. Sorav, merely looked the gentleman; but his friend Mr. Darcy Carter soon drew the attention of the room by his fine, tall person, handsome features, noble mien, and the report which was in general circulation within five minutes after his entrance, of his having ten thousand tanpi a year. The gentlemen pronounced him to be a fine figure of a man, the ladies declared he was much handsomer than Mr. Tars Tarkas, and he was looked at with great admiration for about half the evening, till his manners gave a disgust which turned the tide of his popularity; for he was discovered to be proud; to be above his company, and above being pleased; and not all his large estate in U-Gor could then save him from having a most forbidding, disagreeable countenance, and being unworthy to be compared with his friend.

  Mr. Tars Tarkas had soon made himself acquainted with all the principal people in the room; he was lively and unreserved, danced every dance, and talked of giving one himself at Artol. Such amiable qualities must speak for themselves. What a contrast between him and his friend! Mr. Darcy Carter danced only once with Mrs. Sorav and once with Miss Tars Tarkas, declined being introduced to any other mistress, and spent the rest of the evening in walking about the room, speaking occasionally to one of his own party.

  His character was decided. He was the proudest, most disagreeable man in the world, and everybody hoped that he would never come there again. Amongst the most violent against him was Mrs. Kajak, whose dislike of his general behaviour was sharpened into particular resentment by his having slighted one of her daughters.

  Elizadejah Kajak had been obliged, by the scarcity of gentlemen, to sit down for two dances; and during part of that time, Mr. Darcy Carter had been standing near enough for her to hear a conversation between him and Mr. Tars Tarkas, who came from the dance for a few minutes, to press his friend to join it.

  “Come, Darcy Carter,” said he, “I must have you dance. I hate to see you standing about by yourself in this stupid manner. You had much better dance.”

  “I certainly shall not. You know how I detest it, unless I am particularly acquainted with my partner. At such an assembly as this it would be insupportable. Your sisters are engaged, and there is not another woman in the room whom it would not be a punishment to me to stand up with.”

  “I would not be so fastidious as you are,” cried Mr. Tars Tarkas, “for a kingdom! Upon my honour, I never met with so many pleasant girls in my life as I have this evening; and there are several of them you see uncommonly pretty.”

  “You are dancing with the only handsome girl in the room,” said Mr. Darcy Carter, looking at the eldest Miss Kajak.

  “Oh! She is the most beautiful creature I ever beheld! But there is one of her sisters sitting down just behind you, who is very pretty, and I dare say very agreeable. Do let me ask my partner to introduce you.”

  “Which do you mean?” and turning round he looked for a moment at Elizadejah, till catching her eye, he withdrew his own and coldly said, “She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me; I am in no humour at present to give consequence to young
ladies who are slighted by other men. You had better return to your partner and enjoy her smiles, for you are wasting your time with me.”

  Mr. Tars Tarkas followed his advice. Mr. Darcy Carter walked off; and Elizadejah remained with no very cordial feelings toward him. She told the story, however, with great spirit among her friends; for she had a lively, playful disposition, which delighted in anything ridiculous.

  The evening altogether passed off pleasantly to the whole family. Mrs. Kajak had seen her eldest daughter much admired by the Artol party. Mr. Tars Tarkas had danced with her twice, and she had been distinguished by his sisters. Tavia was as much gratified by this as her mother could be, though in a quieter way. Elizadejah felt Tavia’s pleasure. Vanuma had heard herself mentioned to Miss Tars Tarkas as the most accomplished girl in the valley; and Tara and Zanda had been fortunate enough never to be without partners, which was all that they had yet learnt to care for at a ball.

  They returned, therefore, in good spirits to Sanomah ni Torkwasi, the village where they lived, and of which they were the principal inhabitants. They found Mr. Kajak still up. With a scroll he was regardless of time; and on the present occasion he had a good deal of curiosity as to the event of an evening which had raised such splendid expectations. He had rather hoped that his concubine’s views on the stranger would be disappointed; but he soon found out that he had a different story to hear.

  “Oh! My dear Mr. Kajak,” as she entered the room, “we have had a most delightful evening, a most excellent ball. I wish you had been there. Tavia was so admired, nothing could be like it. Everybody said how well she looked; and Mr. Tars Tarkas thought her quite beautiful, and danced with her twice! Only think of that, my dear; he actually danced with her twice! and she was the only creature in the room that he asked a second time. First of all, he asked Miss Rojas. I was so vexed to see him stand up with her! But, however, he did not admire her at all; indeed, nobody can, you know; and he seemed quite struck with Tavia as she was going down the dance. So he inquired who she was, and got introduced, and asked her for the two next. Then the two third he danced with Miss King, and the two fourth with Maria Rojas, and the two fifth with Tavia again, and the two sixth with Eliza, and the Boulanger—”